entry 5 : why i take breaks so often

something i've struggled with for the longest time was sadness, albeit, a different type of sadness. it's not the kind you feel from a movie or tv show, it's more hard hitting and difficult to work with it.

i've brought it up on my channel before, but i have depression. i brought it up before i was even properly diagnosed with it in 2023 and i was right of my diagnosis. it is clinical depression, also known as major depression disorder or mdd for short.

i love, love making lyric videos. it genuinely makes me happy. but to have depression in the way of that makes it more difficult to want to work on any video. i feel awful that i pushed back the second layout so many times and it being due to my depression. i wish i had the power to pull through and get it done.

so far, i've been on 2 medications. nothing really happened. the second one i'm on really just makes me less hungry and that's it. i dont feel any different, dosage up or down, i feel the same. i plan on switching soon (tomorrow is when i speak to my psychiatrist, june 19) and i'm just hoping it's finally the one that i've needed all along.

earlier in the year, i was uploading. i had fixed my sleep schedule and i was doing well. i'm a pretty weak person when it comes to my depression, it beats me down a lot. one embarrassing thing about me is that i'm 21 years old, and i never had a job before. i keep telling myself i need to be at a certain part in my life where my depression is minimal and i have it handled. but i get rushed by the other people in my life that know i have depression and i'm just trying to find my own way around.

i'm figuring myself out still. that's what your 20s are, figuring out what you want and who you want to be. i never had any aspirations to be anything, other than a singer as a child. nothing else caught my attention. my parents are the people that when you finish high school or not, you know what you're going to do for the rest of your life, and it makes it all the more harder and you feel the pressure.

if one of my viewers or maybe you're just a random person finding and reading this, you may be wondering, "why are you airing out your struggles with depression?" it's something easy for me to talk about over a screen, but in real life i struggle with it. i don't expect anyone to understand my struggles with mdd, hell, even my own sister doesn't. but just know everyone's experience is different and this is mine. this is how i'm viewing the world, how i'm trying to live day by day and still somehow surviving.

i'm very lucky to have people that watch my videos not constantly expecting me to upload every day (granted, almost all of my viewers are in japan so i don't expect them to). but i will definitely repay my viewers in any way, shape or form for being so patient with me for the last 4 years. i'm definitely thankful for all the support i've been receiving bit by bit, it truly makes me happy.

this post was done because i just needed to let it out. going through a hard time for no particular reason (like mdd does to me all the time) and it's something that i know other people go through as well. whether it's worse than my depression or not as much. you're going through it and you can do it. i'm a pessimist (negative outlook on life), but i'm always hoping there's a way to get out of a depression and soon. it's therapeutic to be talking like this. doesn't even matter if people see it. i'm just happy to share my experience as it is important to me and maybe even someone else out there.

i got myself out of this hole many times, and i know i can do it again.

from, dear moon (shelby)

entry 4 : why the second channel? (and other things)

i'll be explaining it a lot but i guess this is the first place i'll do it. so, why?

well i originally wanted to use that channel as a one off thing for you guys to see me edit. as in here's a time lapse, now you can watch me edit. you know just little behinds and stuff.

i then had the idea to make it into a how would channel (this was before the whole ai covers btw) but i decided against that as i never really cared for the how woulds/how shoulds anyway. i do like to try and properly distribute to the best of my ability but i never really cared to make it into a video.

november of 2024, i started thinking about lyric videos i want to do, but i can't finish the discography because of former/current problematic members in groups.

this pertains to people like taeil or lucas. even people that aren't as problematic as them, woojin who was a former skz member. i was a stay from 2018-2020, so to see how the members felt at their first concert without woojin was heartbreaking and chan talking about how they're 8 and re-recording their old music.

it really has me disliking woojin even more because he definitely broke some promises with the members and although i'm obviously not any of the members, i can't bring myself to even make lyric videos with him included.

with some groups that have former members it's different. i'm willing to make lyric videos with jay park apart of 2pm as the members actually like him. yeah i know that jay park is controversial, i pretty much have a like-dislike relationship with the man. one minute he'll say something inspirational, really cool. then next minute he's doing something offensive so it's hard for me to hate him completely, as well as like him.

but discography is a big deal for me if that isn't already obvious. i love finishing it. i made a promise to myself to make these videos as accurate as possible and to complete as much as the discography from one group as i can.

i feel an accomplishment from it and it makes me proud. and i feel just as accomplished when making a video for an artist i'm not as familar like ones i am more used to.

since i can't do nct fully, i do like some of their songs and i think it'd be nice to make some videos. even if it's a group and the members haven't done anything wrong in that aspect, i'll still do it.

and no, i'm not excusing other problematic things idols have done. we should acknowledge this stuff rather than hide it from people who are new to the fandom or kpop in general and share. it's good to know that someone has done this or that, because it shouldn't be swept under the rug just because people in the fandom want it to be.

i can't forgive idols for what they said or did as it may have not affected me, but rather other people of different backgrounds (race, gender, sexuality, religion, etc.) so just know i'm not ignoring that. i'm aware of what the groups i currently work on have done problematic things and the groups i want to work on in the future have also done problematic things. it's inevitable to escape unfortunately.

wanted to say that to make sure i'm not saying one's worse than the other, they're bad in their own way and i feel guilty for not speaking up on it as much as i should (will be doing that in due time in a special way, so expect special posts on my main channel in the next coming months).

back to our main topic, there are some groups i'm interested in making lyric videos for (discography and all) but then there are groups where i like only some songs and i'm not that interested in making videos for all of their songs. that's one of the reasons why the channel exists.

there's another reason, but i can't spoil it as it's a surprise. i don't expect much to happen when announcing it, so i'll just be doing my thing in the meantime on both channels. doing the discography on the main channel and different songs by different groups on the second.

it'll be really fun for me and i hope it will be fun for you guys in the future as well. also assuming you guys like the next layout as much as i do. and it's not mine like the first one so i'll be getting into that when i end the first layout officially and then i come out with the official introduction layout for the second. i got a lot to talk about.

from, dear moon (shelby)

entry 3 : why i delete and reupload my videos

i've been doing a lot of reuploads recently and i thought it'd be nice to share why i reupload constantly. one of the few reasons is me being too lazy to check my edit on sony vegas and i just don't want to be bothered with it. so i tend to reupload videos where i don't check my edit often. one of the other times is me actually going through it, see where i made mistakes and i begin to re-edit the video if need be. if i know i'm incorrect yet i don't have enough to correct with the little information i have, i tend to wait it out until someone decides to decipher something. granted, i'm on a time crunch, so some speed on my part is needed.

that was just me explaining my re-editing situation along with reuploading. but why delete the videos? i don't want to be misleading with my content. confusing is what i don't want when it comes to my videos. sometimes i'll see creators and they'll upload a video the minute the song comes out and then a few hours later, there's already corrections being made. random_k has done this many times before and i just find it annoying. some people don't check and see if the video has been corrected or not, they're most likely going to go for the one that has the most views. that's pretty much why i delete them too. just to avoid confusion. i don't have the videos on private or keep them unlisted as that could cause more confusion.

i do worry sometimes about the views my videos have gained altogether when deleting a video, but i would rather have a video that is correct, than one that is incorrect. for long time viewing especially. like if people are new to kpop and such. i'd rather have that than anything.

from, dear moon (shelby)

entry 2 : how and why i started making color coded lyric videos

i think i was aware of ccl videos when i joined kpop. even before, i understood them, as someone i knew sent me a ccl video a month before i got into it. i didn't start wanting to make them though until may of 2018.

one color coded lyrics channel, who was really popular of her time, was af taehyung. if you're a long time kpop fan, you probably are familiar with that name as she made videos for so many groups and soloists within kpop. she was on her way to becoming the most subscribed kpop lyrics channel back in 2017-2018.

she inspired me, and in a different way. my fuel back then to get me started on something was through jealousy, which to say the least is pretty weird. jealousy as in like, "if she can do it, so can i". that was my mindset at the time. watching any videos i could find at the time to make ccl, which back then were very little like there are now (hundreds upon hundreds these days).

my previous experiences with photo editing came from roblox. yep... started playing in 2010 but i was introduced to the world of gfx in 2016. gfx is just graphic roblox art, you take your roblox character or someone else's and you pose them to your liking and add cool effects to your picture. much more tiring than it sounds, easier when you get used to it. that was also started from jealousy and obviously didn't last long. however, it got me comfortable with a paint program i still use to this day and it's paint.net. if you have ever used a windows computer before, think of it like microsoft paint but better in certain ways. the downside to do more stuff is that you need plugins.

why i bring up my very short lived roblox gfx past is because i had the knowledge (not really) of photo editing (again, not really). i was comfortable enough to use paint.net, but not too comfortable using whatever i could get my hands on. i knew photoshop was used, and i didn't have the best experience at the time with finding really good ways to pirate pay to use programs like adobe products, but i was eager to get my hands on it. not immediately though. what i used originally was fotojet which was a collage maker, google slides, and camtasia, an old video editing software that's also pay to use.

first video i edited was oh boy by red velvet. awful choice. ad-libs every place you look and that's awful if you're just starting out. infact, if you're beginning ccl, don't do red velvet. all of their songs have ad-libs and they can be hard to follow. if you have more experience in editing, knock yourself out. but if you're new to it, you have been warned!

why do i keep making them? i guess i just really enjoy showing what is correct. whenever i see an incorrect video made by a channel and it's a group i like, i sometimes get jealous because why are people viewing the incorrect video? why not the one that has more time put into it? i mainly make them not only for other people, but also for me. if i don't see a correct lyric video for a group i like, you bet i'm making one correct to the best of my ability.

even when a video is incorrect and it's mine, i'm sometimes in denial and i don't want to work on it but i do it anyways because a correct video is a better video i guess (i just thought of that as typing this out). but you know that's the trial and error of songs that are sometimes too confusing. it's fun though to see how correct a video can be again.

from, dear moon (shelby)

entry 1 : intro post

i decided to start a blog on my lyric videos. i saw a rather influential yet problematic person with a blog and i thought it'd be nice to do the same, just with me not being as problematic as him.

he's an artist and i recently realized that me talking about my videos is like me talking about it with such passion, like i'm really an artist (though i'm not).

a lot of other channels i see on youtube that also do lyric videos, you don't see this from them at all. incredibly passionate and into the idea of making lyric videos as if their life depends on it. guess i'm the only one.

as of right now, i have no job and never had one. and i have no idea what i would want for a job. this, i don't think i would want as a job because i could lose interest at any point. might not be anytime soon as i've been making lyric videos since 2018 at 14 years old.

i do treat this as a job which is ironic. i don't get paid which i'm fine with, and i absolutely love making lyric videos, despite me struggling on some songs. this is a hobby i'm completely into and i don't know how i haven't gave up on it yet. there were times when i thought about stopping but i'm glad i haven't.

i've always wanted to make some sort of mark on the internet in some way, shape or form. i wanted to be a singer as a kid but then i got older and realized that might not be a viable career path for me with my lisp and everything.

something to do with pop culture, that's what i wanted to do. but video editing is just as good.

anyway, i'll be talking about my videos more in depth here. i have information and i like to share it because it feels like i'll explode if i don't. this is what sucks about retaining information i guess.

my next post will most likely be on my first video and why i started making them. if you find this just by searching on google or through my channel, thank you for reading! ^^

from, dear moon (shelby)