something i've struggled with for the longest time was sadness, albeit, a different type of sadness. it's not the kind you feel from a movie or tv show, it's more hard hitting and difficult to work with it.
i've brought it up on my channel before, but i have depression. i brought it up before i was even properly diagnosed with it in 2023 and i was right of my diagnosis. it is clinical depression, also known as major depression disorder or mdd for short.
i love, love making lyric videos. it genuinely makes me happy. but to have depression in the way of that makes it more difficult to want to work on any video. i feel awful that i pushed back the second layout so many times and it being due to my depression. i wish i had the power to pull through and get it done.
so far, i've been on 2 medications. nothing really happened. the second one i'm on really just makes me less hungry and that's it. i dont feel any different, dosage up or down, i feel the same. i plan on switching soon (tomorrow is when i speak to my psychiatrist, june 19) and i'm just hoping it's finally the one that i've needed all along.
earlier in the year, i was uploading. i had fixed my sleep schedule and i was doing well. i'm a pretty weak person when it comes to my depression, it beats me down a lot. one embarrassing thing about me is that i'm 21 years old, and i never had a job before. i keep telling myself i need to be at a certain part in my life where my depression is minimal and i have it handled. but i get rushed by the other people in my life that know i have depression and i'm just trying to find my own way around.
i'm figuring myself out still. that's what your 20s are, figuring out what you want and who you want to be. i never had any aspirations to be anything, other than a singer as a child. nothing else caught my attention. my parents are the people that when you finish high school or not, you know what you're going to do for the rest of your life, and it makes it all the more harder and you feel the pressure.
if one of my viewers or maybe you're just a random person finding and reading this, you may be wondering, "why are you airing out your struggles with depression?" it's something easy for me to talk about over a screen, but in real life i struggle with it. i don't expect anyone to understand my struggles with mdd, hell, even my own sister doesn't. but just know everyone's experience is different and this is mine. this is how i'm viewing the world, how i'm trying to live day by day and still somehow surviving.
i'm very lucky to have people that watch my videos not constantly expecting me to upload every day (granted, almost all of my viewers are in japan so i don't expect them to). but i will definitely repay my viewers in any way, shape or form for being so patient with me for the last 4 years. i'm definitely thankful for all the support i've been receiving bit by bit, it truly makes me happy.
this post was done because i just needed to let it out. going through a hard time for no particular reason (like mdd does to me all the time) and it's something that i know other people go through as well. whether it's worse than my depression or not as much. you're going through it and you can do it. i'm a pessimist (negative outlook on life), but i'm always hoping there's a way to get out of a depression and soon. it's therapeutic to be talking like this. doesn't even matter if people see it. i'm just happy to share my experience as it is important to me and maybe even someone else out there.
i got myself out of this hole many times, and i know i can do it again.
from, dear moon (shelby)
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